Harry Potter and the Oversexed Hogwarts pupils
by the coffee fiend
Summary: My parody of slash fictions. Which seem to be very abundant! Warning: slash implied


Disclaimer: I detest these things. I've made no money yadda yadda this is redundant.  
  
A/N: I tire of seeing fanfics portraying Hermione, Harry, Ron, Draco and Snape as over sexed people who will jump anyone's bones who come along. So, I wrote my own. Well, not really. Note: this is a SPOOF! It's not a SERIOUS slash fic. I just thought it might be a fun thing to do.  
  
Once upon a time, a young student named Harry went about his daily business. Well, it was HIS daily business, but we wouldn't think it "daily". More like "fantasy" or "storytale". You see, Harry Potter was a Wizard.  
  
Now, if you don't know about wizards and Harry Potter, you're a dweeb, because, face it, who hasn't?  
  
Anyway: Daily Business. Harry was at the Gryffindor table eating his breakfast when in bustled Hermione, her arms full (as usual) with books.  
  
"Right Harry!" She said as she plonked the books down on the table in front of him "Exams are near! Time to start studying!"  
  
Harry nodded amiably, because although he was a wizarding hero who had caused the downfall of the Evil (with a capital "E") Lord Voldemort, he had a severe inferiority complex stemming from his abusive childhood being dominated by his cousin and brutish uncle, and was more prone to ignore being bossed around by people than rise up and take a stand against it. And he didn't mind being bossed by Hermione, because all the boys at Hogwarts remembered how pretty she'd looked at the Yule Ball the year before, and the foremost thought on Harry's mind concerning Hermione was getting her in the sack.  
  
Ron however, snorted into his porridge.  
  
"Come on, Hermione that's TWO months away! T-O, two!"  
  
Hermione just gave him a withering look.  
  
(Ron also was interested in getting Hermione in the sack, but HIS inferiority complex (stemming from being poor and Harry's sidekick -always in his shadow) manifested itself by him constantly sniping at her.)  
  
Just as they were speaking, Draco Malfoy sauntered past on his daily rounds.  
  
"Potty, Mudblood and the Weasel" came Draco's much abused taunt rang in Ron's pubescent and raging hormone crazed ears. Just as always, Ron jumped up, to be constrained by Harry and Hermione. (He REALLY only jumped up so that Hermione would restrain him. Dominatrix! *makes whip noises*)  
  
However, suddenly Draco stopped short. He saw Harry as if for the first time. He saw his unruly black hair falling carelessly about his face, his eyes framed by their round glasses glinting as the polished glass caught the light, his hand lying carelessly on Ron's shoulder...  
  
Quickly Draco turned and headed for the boys' bathroom cursing his hormones.  
  
"That was odd" Hermione remarked. The boys were too busy trying to look down her top as she stooped to pick up her books off the table.  
  
***  
  
In potions, with the dreaded Snape (who STILL hadn't got the Defence Against the Dark Arts job) and the horrible Slytherins, Harry was VERY distracted. He was no longer ogling Hermione, he was trying to work out a PUZZLE. This puzzle thing was new to Harry, as he always got Hermione to do all the intelligent work for him (he just took the credit). He kept on catching Draco staring at him. And Malfoy never said a word of abuse to him.  
  
***  
  
He mentioned his concern to Ron, when they were getting into bed. Ron had not caught any sight of Draco staring at Harry, as he informed Harry that Hermione had spilt a cauldron full of water down her front. (How could he NOT have seen that?!)  
  
"I don't know" Ron looked puzzled too. "What's up with that?"  
  
The two sat on their respective beds in their pyjamas, looking pensive.  
  
Suddenly, Ron gasped, and sat up.  
  
"I know!" He exclaimed "We're in a fanfiction! That means Draco's in LOVE with you!"  
  
"Love?" Harry looked confused.  
  
"Yeah, he wants to hop on the good foot and do the bad thing!"  
  
"But Ron" Harry said questioningly "You don't watch television. How do you know Austin Powers quotes?"  
  
"Ah" replied Ron wisely "suspension of disbelief. We're in a fanfic. Anything's possible!"  
  
"Oh" Harry replied, trying to get to grips with this concept (as I said, puzzles and thinking weren't his forte) "So what do I do?"  
  
"Ahhh" Ron repeated, tapping his nose "You go for a walk to the Owlery. That's what we do when we want to solicit at midnight."  
  
"But I don't need to go to the Owlery"  
  
"Yes, you DO" reiterated Ron.  
  
"Oh. Ok" (Inferiority complex comes into play again here)  
  
***  
  
Harry wandered through the windy corridors of the Hogwarts castle, weaving a meandering route. Suddenly, a hand shot out from behind a suit of armour, and pulled him into an alcove that "magically" (haha) appeared, concealing them from view.  
  
Hot lips breathed into his ear.  
  
"Harry..." whispered the silky voice of Draco Malfoy.  
  
"MALFOY?!" Harry pulled away, shocked. But then the light of the moon fell on his fellow student. He saw Draco as if for the first time. The way his blond hair fell carelessly over his eyes, which were gray, the colour of a stormy sky. His nose, which was perfectly formed, and his full lips, slightly parted, which revealed a full set of teeth behind them. Harry didn't curse his hormones.  
  
He allowed himself to be drawn into an embrace by Draco...  
  
***  
  
Ron crept silently after Harry, hoping to catch a sight of him and Draco. Suddenly, a hand shot out from behind a statue, and whisked him into it's shadow.  
  
Hot lips breathed into his ear.  
  
"Ronald..." whispered the silky voice of...  
  
"SNAPE?!?" Ron tried to pull away, shocked. But the man held him in a firm embrace. But twisting his head up to look at his Potions professor, Ron saw Snape as if for the first time...  
  
Suddenly, Hermione rounded the corner.  
  
"SEVERUS!" she screamed, catching him clasping Ron desperately. (Hermione had somehow managed to pierce through the gloom of the shadow of the statue)  
  
"HOW COULD YOU!!" She yelled at the top of her lungs.  
  
"Shhh, someone will hear you!" Hissed Snape, looking nervous and letting Ron go. (Ron whimpered...he like being hugged...it reminded him of being in the womb...)  
  
"I DONT CARE!!" Suddenly (everything in slash fanfics happens suddenly) she rounded on Ron.  
  
"HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW ME AND SEVERUS WERE SHAGGING LIKE RABBITS?!?!"  
  
Ron's eyes bulged. "Errr?" He uttered dumbly, looking from Snape to Hermione.  
  
Snape turned on his heel and whirled down the corridor.  
  
Then, Hermione turned to Ron, catching him once more in a crushing embrace.  
  
Hot lips breathed into his ear.  
  
"Ron...It's you I've wanted all along...."  
  
***  
  
Harry was walking back from his midnight liason with his new found lover Draco a few weeks later, when all of a sudden an arm shot out from behind a curtain, pulling him behind to.  
  
Hot lips breathed into his ear  
  
"Harry..."  
  
"Hermione!" squeaked Harry "but..you and Professor Snape are shagging like rabbits!"  
  
"No, Harry" Hermione whispered seductively "It's you I've wanted all along..."  
  
Suddenly Ron and Draco rounded the corner hand in hand. Tearing himself away from Hermione, Harry lept from behind the curtain.  
  
"Draco!?" Harry yelled  
  
"Harry!" Draco looked surprised  
  
"Ron?!" Hermione glared at Ron  
  
"Hermione!!" Ron swore accusingly at Hermione  
  
"HARRY!" Draco saw Hermione and her unbuttoned shirt  
  
"RON!" Hermione's eyes fell on Draco and Ron's clasped hands  
  
"DRACO!" Harry saw Draco wearing Ron's Gryffindor scarf  
  
"HERMIONE!" Ron saw her lipsick smudged all over Hermione and Harry's faces  
  
"STUDENTS OUT OF BED!" screamed Filch as he rounded the corner with Mrs Norris in tow.  
  
The four students fled.  
  
Snape peered out of an ajoining corridor, grinning sardonically.  
  
"Ah, Love potion." he contemplated the small pink vial in his hand. "More realistic than porn, and less likely to be caught!"  
  
A/N: Well, that was weird. I don't like slash at all, I've decided. Yuck. Not my cup of tea. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed my slash parody!  
  
Peace, Love and Harmony (which are all nuclear and GE free) ~laura  
  
btw: anyone who doesn't know what "GE" is (I've been asked this tonnes) it's "Genetically Engineered". No, it does NOT mean "General Electric!" 


End file.
